On my Way

Hey so I haven't written much in the last couple of years. Sincerely, I have forgotten for the most part to write in this as a journal. So fast forward in the years that have passed. I believe I have loved and lived a well life. Not to mention I am now an adult yes an adult with responsibilities and everything and if your one of those oh boy good luck because it isn't as easy as they make it seem in the movies and everything. To be honest not everything is pink and rosy as mentioned I it gets worse as an adult. The most consolation I have for you is that it's seemingly easier to go out and travel. Going back during the years that I haven't written to you let me summarize it. Firstly, I have had many flings since boyfriends, at least before choosing to stay somewhat committed. Some flings were hot like crazy hot and the way they would hold me was amazing. I mean as amazing as it can be for a fling. However, I needed then something more than that so as the months went by I searched for a somewhat serious relationship. I found it with A BOY that I believed was going to make me happy, and for moment he did he made me the most amazing women in the world. Made me feel lucky, although as they say it seems to pretty to be true. Well turns out it was because I lost myself in this relationship I wasn't me. I ended up being the girl he wanted me to be. The one he desired and he got upset I ended up apologizing. Or dropping the questions. I was his support system even if he was never mine. But even though he did many similar things during the time being nobody had treated me like he had. He asked me to go out with him in such little time and because I liked him  I decided to say yes. One of the most learnable moments in my life during more than a year I lost who I was. I wasn't even me the person that was feisty and would get angry, laugh, cry an enjoy the things she loved the most. I was this person that he had made me the person he wanted. If he asked I felt the need to please his desire and it wasn't because I owed him anything, but it sure felt that way. As if being his girl gave the right to choose who I was going to be. Where I could be and at which times. But Also it made me possessive over a person that wasn't mine anymore over time a person that wanted me not for I as but for the sacrifices I would make for him. Everything seemed out of hand. If I was dressed or said something that wasn't fit then I knew how he would feel. I made every decision based on his choices and in the end that wasn't good enough for him. He still left a women for a stupid choice and mentality that we would be okay. The truth is I expected him to wank away after 3 months which he wanted but was left no choice.

pain

Hola es un nuevo ano un nuevo comenzar y como siempre lo empiezo con tristeza y dolor llanto y quebranto. nadie me eniende porque nadie me defiende es mi parte osscura es mi dolor todos me buscan y no me encuentran solo hallan falsas  ezperanzas y sonrisas. esas no son reales pero nadie se da cuenta es como un comoflaje que se usa con todos aquellos que nos quierren ver feliz segun borrar el pasado es parte de ser humano pero no yo no quiero quiero sentir este dolor y este reproche el llanto y todo para saber q es real quiza asi por un momento el vacio es veridico. uso mi escondite q tengo dentro apago la luz ciero la puerta para manana epezar de nuevo conel mismo carma.

este dolor nadie me lo puede quitar ni sanar mis dias tenian seguir cuanto espere volverte a ver siento es que la primera vez amor me trajo aqui tu voz a tu lado bien encuentro la razon de mi vida

amor

hola como estan he pensando que quiero un baby quiero embarazarme y escapar para que nadie le  haga dano pero su peor enemigo sere yo porque su papa no estara a su lado que locura verdad no les mentire me he enamorado de el y a huevo que me duele que el sea asi aveces amor aMOR  amor que tipo de papa serias si te lo dejaria a tu lado

in the mist of unravel feelings

    In the mist of this strength I fall without you letting me in each and every day its death and i cant wait to die. Why do you do this i ask myself? the door is about to close on me and i don't realize it i don't see i'm loosing my vision it blurs more than you think i cry yet you don't see my tears the same tears that ponder. this pain is inside me through my body consuming whats left of me eating my soul and not letting go. I'd take away the pain but were would i leave it. where can i drop it. so it can stay. it follows me everywhere i go like my shadow never letting apart always following reminding me that he is their. i try to pick myself off of the dirt but where would i go. the only place i have is room. no not a home that doesn't exist without a family or love? love a form that tortures and brings back pain. you try to save me pick me up yet even if my body goes up my soul is down on the floor where it belongs. Purity is not a word a for me its something you are and im not. my sins have brought me here where i am a place not one can enter. All my voices tell me to die yet i don't lisen. I trying to find an exit in this muse that doesn't seem to actually have one. if this is how its going to be id rather die that to stay lost and never get out of this misery.

Since you came

     Hi well I haven´t been able to do this in along while it´s actually a controversial in my mind whether to speak about you or not. So I asked you if I can write about you and you gave me the opportunity to go go ahead and do it my vision was that you were going to back out I would have written about you anyway so to start with you full my with the ecstasy where no one has gone and to further this you don´t mind because of the faults I´ve had I told you I ain´t no angle yet you decided to ignore my advice. Do you believe me now? I'M going to assume you do. Who would have thought though one of the main activities I do is fulfill other peoples dreams to make them feel as if a craving of having the soul and body take control. Don't underestimate my thoughts, emotions, and actions cause their is always a surprise like the first day we were together. I don't go for bullshit I learned to hate and reject it but when it comes to this you better no take that step. For now I feel you at every close of my eyes, I feel your touch nibbles gently in all my body asking for an entrance inside me an entrance i don;t deny at all this this is what I want whether it's sinful and unethical towards society i believe it has been unethical towards us. I plead for mercy with every tough you give me because i just want you to make me yours like if it was the last thing you did. CONTROL ME MAKE ME LOOSE POWER. This weakness grands you entrance and power towards all of me. I know I'm holding on to you as the same way you are to me. How we do is with this game that might end well or misery but whichever it actually is the pleasure or your lips your body is something no one will take away if you were powder i would inhale you until I passed out. Only you know that only you will know that if this comes to an end  i will go with dead silence to the doom. Somewhere no one can find me.

anxiety

So I've figured it out i have anxiety the famous disorder that kills little by little i have learned how to control it but even them